The Mitzvah of Helping Orphans to Marry

It’s been some time since we were engaged actively in our “Bayit Chadash” project and it’s really time we try to get back into it again. For those who don’t know about the project, let me share a little about what we did for quite a few years!

Bayit Chadash – a New House – was a project started by Chessed Ve’Emet (that’s us!) around 10 years ago – if not longer! Its purpose was to assist orphans with no financial means or support to be able to start their new homes in dignity at the time they married. I still don’t believe there is a project anywhere in the world like ours. Read on – and you’ll understand why!

When my wife and I married, our marriage was a small affair with the bear basics. Actually, we had intended to marry two months before our wedding day. We had cancelled because we did not have the funds to make it happen and we could not find anyone to help – contrary to so many who say that money should not stop a marriage from happening or that the community would never let such a situation like this happen! I’m always nervous of the clichés which speak about how the community will always be there for one if one is struggling financially.

On another personal occasion I remember when my brother died and was buried in South Africa – whereas I was living in Israel. I literally did not have the means to travel and pay for an air ticket – let alone the other expenses that come with a trip of this nature. Though I tried my best to find someone who would help me financially – it just didn’t happen. On a personal level, I have been disappointed by the apparent “communities” who help one when one is in need. Where really is everyone when one finds oneself desperate for help? Often they can be found on Facebook joke groups wasting time sharing the latest stupidity of life as expressed in a joke form – being completely oblivious to the reality of the pain of those who cannot get through a month of bills. I guess they just find another joke to make it all feel good…

Had we not been able to somehow come through with the most simple of weddings, I believe the only way we would have succeeded in marrying would have been by doing so at the Beit Din with two witnesses watching the groom (me) give the bride (my wife) a ring (the value of a Perutah – and amount required for a Jewish marriage to be legal according to Halachah.) As we have thought about this so many times, with the difficulty encountered in making our own wedding actually happen (with practically nothing), we often reflect back on considering this as being the only option we would have had. Even the help we did receive seemed to have a flavour of “this is what you’ll be getting and you can have no more – so you best appreciate everything you have here!” I felt quite embarrassed by this and in no way proud of the situation. My wife had to actively show the death certificate of her father to prove she was an orphan; a letter from a rabbi was not permitted – though it was clear to all that she was orphaned, this was needed – and it certainly caused further stress and embarrassment.

Don’t imagine we did not appreciate any help we did receive. We surely did! I am grateful to the people who did what they could to make the event happen. I am grateful to the select individuals who gave what they could – so that at the very least, we could essentially marry. Those people best know who they are themselves. We would not have been under the Chuppah were it not for the bits and pieces of help that did come through – but ultimately at the end of the day, we felt the burden of having taken even this. Our Sages often point out that giving should be something that does not cause the recipient embarrassment. Now – this is interesting, because in truth, the giver may not even be aware that he may have caused any embarrassment altogether. This is really such a sensitive teaching of the Sages. If one is going to give, one has to truly imagine how the other is feeling at the moment they receive what it is that they are giving. In our case, it may well have seemed to those who did give that they had done so in the best possible way – but deep down, we were hurting. We felt most ashamed at having to take even the smallest help. We never felt as though the giving had come through in a way to make us feel like the king and queen a bride and groom usually feel on this one special day of their lives – a day that can never be re-created. I think I had felt as if the world was saying to me, “Let us get you married so that we can just get rid of you already.” It’s not an exaggeration to say this, and judging by the quick drop of friendships that occurred just after I married, I don’t think I was far off.

To this day, we laugh at our Ketubah which is just the basic text photocopied onto a piece of cardboard. There’s no picture on it. There’s not a single colour other than black! In fact, it looks rather dreadful! Of course it’s only supposed to be a legal document – and most legal documents are nothing more than this, but I think my eyes were opened when we began our project, and we would go out looking for the very best for the couples we helped – and I suddenly realised just how easy it would have been to take a little more care to provide a beautiful Ketubah. We were told that this is the way Ketubahs should be. Yes of course… for those who don’t have. For those who do – the sky is the limit – the more attractive and large the Ketubah – the better!

At the Chuppah, after the Ketubah was read, it was unfortunately immediately folded and tucked in the pocket of the person who had taken it for safe-keeping. Clearly, a ketubah need only cost a small amount – but we were told that the norm for the type of wedding we were having – was to simply put the ketubah on a piece of cardboard photocopied in a horizontal fashion. Of course, we can never write a new ketubah and when we have looked at it every now and again, we have both felt the sadness at not even having a beautiful ketubah. Kindness cannot be taken back. When giving of oneself, it should be to give honour to the recipient and to show them that on the contrary, their lack does not mean deserving the worst. It is the opposite. Because they lack, they should be helped in the best possible manner! People who lack suffer not just because they don’t have, but because of the additional messages of insult they will receive for not having. This, of course, is far from a Torah approach, and I am grateful that in the time I have had my site up – to have met a few people who are simply beyond kind and who truly value the Mitzvah of giving. Not just giving, but giving without causing needless embarrassment. It is amazing to see. I have no words for these kind individuals who are good enough to express my personal thanks.

While many claim to know of Gemachim (organisations helping others) to assist in times of hardship, many do not know that for the most part, most Gemachim will only offer simple things such as a havdalah dish, two pillows or perhaps two duvets at most – to assist a couple who lacks the means for more – to marry. If there are any other Gemachim, they were kept as a well hidden secret, in our case, no-one was prepared to help!

Objectively, the situation was/is not a happy one. My wife, being an orphan herself, having lost her father in her mid-teens (and really not having had her father in her life for much longer) did not have anything to bring in to making a wedding happen. She did bring in some serious debts to deal with though – so this is not entirely true! In addition, her marrying me meant that by staying in South Africa – where the wedding took place – she would have to give up her apartment in Israel – which brought with it its own problems as anyone can imagine. This meant her having to move everything in her apartment while she was more than 5000 miles away – and then have to deal with somehow getting everything back again when we arrived…

I myself had nothing to bring into the marriage as well. I had spent a good deal of my life “working” for nothing. Being a qualified computer technician – nothing gave me more happiness than seeing a friend of mine’s computer that wasn’t working – working again after I would fix it! But I always felt bad about taking his money.

I also loved teaching Torah. Most of my students did not consider it a priority to pay for lessons. I must point out – this was when I started asking people to pay. Before that, I take sole responsibility for always believing that Torah is free and should be taught for free. I would even go to people’s homes without charging for transport and teach them. Great! Until of course I woke up one day to realise how foolish I had been. Now – at the time of my wedding, I really didn’t have any money to make it happen. I always felt as though perhaps the client needed his money more than I did. Many knew my weakness and unfortunately also took advantage of the opportunity.

So as the years moved on, I found myself with less and less and when the moment for my wedding arrived I realised I had no money to make it happen! Nobody ever told me I’d need tens of thousands of rands just to make a wedding happen. I didn’t realise how many people there would be to pay and what the costs would be.

I had no friends (of the type like myself fixing computers) who would just help me because they felt good about doing it… I even recall calling a friend of mine who worked in video photography. I had taught the gentleman Torah many years before – giving of myself freely (again!) and then imagined that perhaps he would remember all those years of my having given him something. When I told him of my situation, he could only offer me the top of his production deal (which he gave to everyone) at full price (a very large sum!) Indeed, he was probably the best around, but I had thought that perhaps he would have some mercy on me at the time of my wedding now when I so much needed help and lacked the means. I didn’t need the best production – I would have been happy with a simple solution from him – if he would just help. It would not be, and I had realised how much of my time I had given so freely, sharing so much of myself only to find that years later he could not remember the favour I had done for him… As for regular photography – we had no means to hire a professional photographer and we just accepted whatever photos were taken – a far cry from the norm of some 2000 professional photos demanded by couples marrying (certainly in Israel) today.

So my wife and I were pretty much out of luck when it came to making our wedding a big affair, or even a simple but beautiful one. With a minimum amount of guests and the most basic of food – and as I recalled with laughter – just an especially small knife to cut a large wedding Challah – we made do with what we had. On a personal level, I never had a brand new suit nor did I have a brand new hat (which was part of the make up for myself). Obtaining a kapote – which I had very much wanted to own – would become impossible and – money aside – it had been a strain to even find anyone in the community help me to even find someone who knew someone who could make me one. I was living in South Africa at the time, and it wasn’t as if I could just walk into a store somewhere and pick one off the racks! As for my wife, though she had wanted to cover her hair in accordance with the instructions of the Lubavitcher Rebbe to wear a sheital, it was impossible to find anyone who could assist in obtaining a sheital or showing her how to wear it so that it would stay on properly hiding all the hair. Nobody could help her to know how to care and look after the sheitel either. My wife was given a sheital as a gift, but it was not in the range of quality that can last years upon years, and after just a year it was no longer wearable altogether. Since then, we have never had the means to obtain something appropriate – nor find anyone who could direct us to someone who could help us find a decent sheital at an affordable price.

I recalled with sadness that our Yichud room had been a car garage with literally nothing in it save for an old table with some crisps that had been left for us. and two plastic chairs to sit on. I had felt as though I was just there to be done away with. Having driven myself to my own Chuppah, the experience was nothing to be over-excited about! The Shomer (guard) for the Yichud room had knocked on the door after around 5 minutes, and told us we could now come out. It had taken us that long to get over the shock of the dreadful surrounding, perhaps it was a relief it was already time to leave. I remember leaving the room to see that there was nobody around – everyone had left!

I drove myself to the reception where it seemed like we were practically one of the guests. I am not sure anyone realised we were actually the married couple. I think it was my wife’s dress that gave away that she was the Kallah. As I say, I certainly wasn’t wearing anything that stood out as being the Chatan for the day. I think we really surprised everyone when we arrived, because the hall itself was in no way ready. It was quite stressful to have to consider the situation we were in. There were no drinks on the woman’s side until one of the women went to ask for them. It may sound surprising, but there are some who still speak about the wedding and how insulted they felt that things were not to their expectations.

For much of the reception, we attended to our own meal – lacking any type of service from waiters, or anyone else. I never had a Lechaim – and nobody offered me one. Neither did anyone stand up and say a Lechaim to me! I think I missed out dessert. I don’t remember it actually being there! Nobody had any words to say about me or for me – and it was more about me leading the wedding process than anything else. My wife – had nobody to say anything about her either. While I could speak about my joy at being married to her – I was not able to speak about her achievements as if I had gone through these with her personally. Someone else, who would have known her better would best have filled that role – but there was nobody to… My wife lead the ladies in dance – because if not, nobody on her side would have danced at all!

I remember leaving the reception. We simply left on our own. I don’t recall anyone escorting us out, rather like the fact that no-one had welcomed us in. Come to think of it, no-one was aware that we had left. Strangely (of all people at that time) I recall my late brother standing outside. He had not taken part in the wedding (for various reasons) and it was in fact the last time I ever saw him in my life again.

Never forget moments with people – because it may be the last time you see them. There are certain people I remember well and even the expressions they had on their faces the last time I said goodbye – if I had in fact! To this day I often burn an image inside my head of the look of a person before I leave them, just in case it is the last time I see them. It will be that image that will remain with me forever afterwards…

My brother smiled and said he had never seen me this happy in my life before. I guess practically – those were the last words I ever heard from him too. He went to his car, and we then loaded my car (a small old Golf) with all the wedding gifts we got fitting into the small boot. Indeed, that was the sum total of our start to our married life. We were grateful to marry though.

We had rented a small garden apartment thanks to a friend of mine helping me find it. When we arrived after the wedding, we opened the door to our apartment and found beautiful flowers with an attractive card next to it. It was from the landlady – she had wished us Mazal Tov. It really brought us happiness to see this card and we felt as though someone cared – though it was so simple!

What followed in our years of marriage – lacking the most basic of things – is a roller-coaster ride to itself. For those interested in our story and who wish to help on a personal level, you’ll find snippets of our story on this site, and you are of course always welcome to contact us directly.

It wasn’t long after arriving in Israel and trying to settle ourselves somehow – that my wife considered the importance of really helping orphans. Here she was – an orphan herself. She certainly needed the help legitimately – even if I could be considered as non-fruitful in doing what I should have to have the money for my own wedding. Her father from whom she was orphaned was an orphan himself – from birth! His father had died from sickness when his mother was just a few months pregnant with him. So my wife was – in a certain sense – even double-orphaned – if one could express it that way.

With all this, my wife felt it vital that an organisation be set up to help orphans to marry. Now this is an amazing thing! It’s amazing because so many will look down on the whole thing. They will say things that include ridiculing the orphan that she be not deserving of marrying if she lacks the money to. Other insults may include her having married later in life (because she never had the means earlier.) It’s really a lose-lose situation.

But imagine an organisation that can really take the orphan seriously? Here is a person who lacks one or both parents. They have no means to start their home. Let us give them a start to life! Now, when we married and lacked the basics, some people came through for us with old well-used blankets and sheets and old crockery and cutlery which we had to question regarding the kashrut status in the first instance. Lacking beds and the most basic of appliances, there was nowhere to turn for help. That’s really because there is no organisation that helps with these things. There are lots of “talkers” – people who profess to know who helps and send you on wild goose chases, but if they already have then they probably don’t know that those who profess to be givers, may well not give! It’s impossible to explain this to them because they themselves have heard the rumours for so long! For the most part – organisations will help with simple things (the havdalah dish etc, the pillows and perhaps a duvet if one is lucky.)

My wife said that our project should be different. It should include giving away the very best of things to the new couple – and only brand new things – giving in dignity! Think of it… we knew well what it was like to marry with nothing and how happy we would have been to have had those things we were thinking about now. Why not make it happen?!

Indeed, we did! We were able to give away beds, brand new cutlery and crockery, brand new linen and more. We gave away new clothes and on one occasion we even went shopping with the groom to buy him a new wardrobe for his new start! We gave away brand new holy books to bring the couple into a home filled with Jewish books. On a few occasions, we had the ability to give decent amounts of cash to those in need.

In short, we made huge strides! Unfortunately there were many “Satans” who criticised us for our work – with one person even blackening our name on her website publically – a post that still stands today – as she mocked our wanting to give a groom a new hat! Other than the “haters” (who always seem to be around), there were many who insulted our work by offering old things to help us. When we explained how our project was different in offering only new things in dignity – they would shame us and insult us for this work.

Not being able to form a non-profit effectively (due to financial costs to do so etc.) we were stuck only being able to do what we could as individuals. We were fortunate that through this site, we found many who came through to enable us to achieve what we did! We are very grateful for all this!

When our own lives became filled with more strain in our own financial situation, including the need to move, we felt it necessary to put a pause on our project – and it has been some time that we have not been actively involved (save for odd occasions.) We hope we will be able to get back and do some good work in this direction again. Of course, we can only do so with your help! We lack the smallest of financial investments to make a success of things on our own – but if we can find kindhearted people out there interested in helping us to achieve more – we would like to pick up again with this much-needed project.

The video at the top of this post – with Rabbi Arvaham Sutton shows just how important our project was and the difference we were making in the lives of others. We’d like to get back and start again and we invite you to join us.

I don’t think there’s a project quite like it – anywhere in the world. I think it’s so needed and something that can certainly hasten the footsteps of Moshiach.

Please watch the full video and find out just how special it is to have a share in helping orphans to marry. If you are an orphan yourself, you’ll know the struggle. Even the Princes of England were orphaned from their mother, and the entire world felt their pain. How much more so when it comes to a Jewish soul and a person who has no financial means, or popularity in life to continue.

If you’d like to find out more or make a difference – or be a partner with us and are serious in the help you can provide, please contact us directly so that together we can really make a difference in the lives of others – bringing them the happiness they deserve!

We’d like this project to be successful. To this end, we are turning it into a profitable project. This means that we encourage you to support the activities we are involved in by becoming members of this site. By doing so you will be helping us to be able to stand on our own two feet (so to speak) as a start and give us the ability to give to others as we have been doing before – through the partnership between us. You can also purchase items from our online store Creations From Jerusalem.